• June 24, 2022

Help, my daughter spends too much time with her boyfriend

One of the most common calls I get is from a parent concerned that their daughter is spending too much time with her boyfriend… “I keep telling her to split her time with her friends and school, but she ignores me.”

You know the scenario, your pre-teen daughter arrives at the breakfast table one morning and you realize she has been abducted by aliens and replaced by this, this ‘woman’.

When did it happen? Where was she? My God, the little princess is now a TEEN and she looks 20!

Yes, and she has her own identity and it’s not the one you gave her, it’s her version! Now what?

It seems that he is no longer hanging on your every word and has his own opinion, his own schedule and his own friends (not one of those playdates you set up) and now a BOYFRIEND!

Oh, and this boy is special. When she calls or texts, she sees a flash of light coming out of the room where her daughter once was… Suddenly, she is so focused on her need or request. (Wouldn’t you like her to be so focused on her homework)? You may not see her for hours. What do they talk about for so long?

There is no time to have lunch with mom or go to the mall, she is too busy talking on the phone or chatting with him. Or run to meet her. But the question is where? Doing what? With whom and why so often? How is school going? What about dinner time? What about family night? Where is she?

She used to love Mexican food, now she “hates” it. She won’t be wearing that cute outfit you bought together anymore. She starts to dress differently…not necessarily wrong, just differently…she Now she watches different TV shows and uses a different language. I don’t know what she’s talking about!

Your question: How do I get my daughter back?

My answer: You do not. You get a new version, and a new and improved one. (Something like Microsoft updates, you can try to keep it the way it is, but it won’t work for long, and if it does, it will cause chaos.) Get used to it!

How do you feel about this?

Well, if you’re like most parents, you’re itching to get your little angel back.

You don’t know how to start a conversation without it turning into an argument. He wants to avoid confrontation but has many questions:

  • Where are you going?
  • When will you be at home?
  • Who are you going with?
  • him again? Didn’t you see it yesterday?
  • Are you having SEX?
  • Are you wearing protection?
  • That their parents do?
  • What do you think about you two spending so much time together?
  • Do they think you’re having SEX?

How do I contact her? I just want to protect her. Why don’t you listen to me? That I have to do?

And remember, you’re not the only one who thinks…

“I don’t think they’re having sex, but…”

First of all, as my girlfriend and trusted colleague says: “If your ‘uh oh’ meter is high… chances are, it is too…” Got that right?

What is the next step? How do you close this gap?

Well, the first thing is communication, and we all know how difficult it is to do that with a teenager. Offer to take her boyfriend out for dinner or an outing where you can also spend time with him. I know this sounds simple, but a lot of us parents don’t want to do this because we seem to be tolerating the relationship.

Next, set limits. Tell both of you that you appreciate their friendship, but that education and family still come first. When there are expectations from the beginning, it will be easier for everyone to accept the rules and follow them.

Then, if there is any indication that they are or will be intimate, you should talk to your daughter about it and make an appointment with her pediatrician or a gynecologist. Don’t make this her payback, just keep it clear and factual. Explain to him: If this is going to be a part of your life and you want to behave like an adult, it’s time for you to take the necessary precautions and take care of yourself.

We all wish that our daughters could still be our little girls, but they grow up. With your love and guidance, she will become a woman you will be very proud of.

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