lesbian love triangle
My girlfriend is going to skin me alive after reading this article, but she found out three years ago that my thoughts go against the grain on social issues. The question I’ve been pondering for the past few months was started by a friend who asked me over key lime pie (my favorite!) “Can one person give you everything?” She was stuck in a relationship where she was emotionally satisfied but sexually lacking.
Now, here was my answer, and this is not as a counselor, educator, or student, because I would take a totally safe and neutral stance by saying “well, there’s a continuum at every level of life… so…” But like only me, I don’t think so. I have always felt that it is a lot of pressure to ask a person to be compatible on all levels of a relationship. Imagine the work and expectations! That said, I personally struggle with commitment and have a hard time with the concept of being with one person “forever.” Also, my intention is not to offend die-hard romantics, like my girl, who believe in a lasting partnership. I am simply exploring the question “what can we really ask of each other in an intimate relationship?”
When I was 21 years old, I asked my adoptive mother if she had ever loved more than one person at a time, especially during the decade of marriage. She said that “attraction is a chemical experience that we can’t control, but what we do with it is something else.” It was the first time anyone had told me that in life people will always be attracted to each other, but that it was a choice about how we decide to act on it.
My mother, on the other hand, told me that humans are not cut out for a lifelong relationship, although she emphasized that to every rule there are plenty of exceptions. With the world getting smaller and information flowing at a much faster rate, I find that people are becoming more diverse and interesting. It’s hard not to be attracted to others or multiple people at once.
My girlfriend calls this a disease, which makes me laugh. She describes people who are attracted to more than one person (aka me) as sex-obsessed lesbians with a crush on girls. And for some of us that is true, but I do believe that there is a genuine LESBIAN LOVE TRIANGLE that happens at times that is innocent, accidental and based on lust. After all, unless you live in a big metropolitan city, the lesbian community tends to be small, and the law of proximity says that the more time you spend with others, the more likely you are to be attracted to them.
The question is whether or not this is cheating or faulty behavior. The answer lies in your intentions. Whether you’re looking for someone just to stir the pot of passion, or because you’re one of those bed-jumping lesbians (not judging at all because I’m one!), or always wanting what you can’t have…well , then there could be more to your lesbian love triangle than just being attracted to another woman.
People have told me in the past that when they’ve been attracted to more than one person, it often feels like a crush. And the truth is, when your brain chemicals start moving during the initial attraction phase, it’s like you’re high. We feel that we could not live without that person and that to be happy we need that person. We start to feel that our sex life is better and we feel more secure. The passion and intoxication that we feel we have lost with a partner is turning on but with another woman. But when has someone you know made a good choice when he’s intoxicated, even when he’s driven by lust?
If your relationship is open and you’ve both agreed to be able to date, love, or sleep with multiple people, then it’s not a problem (and make sure you both practice safe sex and get tested regularly). But that is a rare and often unequal situation. Someone often ends up feeling left out or used/
So should you if you’re in a Lesbian Love Triangle? You probably need to step back and see what is happening in your life right now, and also remember:
1. Love has no reason. Are you looking for something, like lust, sex or passion? If you gain or benefit from someone while hurting another, there is no respect or loyalty to any of the people you are involved with.
2. Love has no rewards, but the gift of commitment. You cannot ask another completely, if you are giving half of yourself to another person.
3. Love does not demand or expect: If you are in the “I WANT” state of mind and pressure your partner to be something they are not, then you cannot love your partner as the ideal self.
4. Remember that fantasy rarely coincides with reality. If you have issues with your partner, your stuff will stick with you in other relationships, and the lesbian on the other side isn’t always greener!
At the end of the day, if you’re so torn about your feelings for your partner or another woman, take some time for yourself, maybe not being with anyone will help you figure out what it is you’re after. Seek the guidance of a therapist to help you gain insight into the relationship issues that are troubling you. If there is a real connection, then it won’t go away just because you’re trying to make good, healthy choices – trust yourself to know what’s best for you.
“…The plan will happen in spite of us, not because of us.” beattie melody
Alex Karydi ~ The Lesbian Guru
