My husband told me very directly that he does not care about our marriage and that he wants a separation.
Some husbands can be a bit mysterious and lazy when they start a separation. They will tell their wives that they just need time out. They hint that it could all be temporary. Sometimes they assure their wife that they still love her (or at least care a lot about her), but they just need a break from the marriage. In other words, they make it clear that while they are not exactly sure about the state of the marriage, they are sure that deep down, they still care. They may not be sure if this will be enough, but they are clear that the feelings are still there.
And then there are husbands at the other end of the spectrum. Although these husbands may not tell their wives that they no longer love her, many of them don’t beat around the bush. Some will go straight out and say flatly that they don’t care as much as they used to. Some will tell their wife that they don’t care at all. They will then follow up on this with the announcement that they want a breakup. This leaves the wife with very little to work with. Most of the time, when a wife tries to get her husband to reconsider a reconciliation, she will turn to the love and history they both share. But if the husband refuses to care about that connection and the story, where does this leave her?
She might say, “I knew my husband wasn’t happy in our marriage. And I knew he was considering a separation or divorce. But what I didn’t anticipate was that he would say that he doesn’t really care about me and our marriage anymore. He basically said he wanted a breakup and then he acted like he expected me to accept it without arguing. So I asked him how he could make a decision like this without us having a sitting conversation. He just thinks he was the only one who could make this? His response was that it didn’t matter what he thought or felt, his feelings were his. And then he told me that he didn’t really care much about me or our marriage anymore. He said flatly that he didn’t care. It was almost like if you were trying to be as cruel as possible for me to be too shocked to respond, which is what happened. This has left me devastated on so many levels. I am devastated that my husband admits that I did not imp orta me. But I’m most devastated that it doesn’t seem like it’s giving me room for discussion. They have shut me down completely. What can I do now? He doesn’t care about me. And he won’t discuss it anymore. “
I was in a similar situation and it finally ended well so I’m going to share this story in the hope that it helps. I’ll try to be brief – my husband alluded to that he still cared about me at the beginning of our breakup, but I really started to doubt this because he made it pretty clear that his preference was very little touch. This was not acceptable to me, so I pushed hard to make that contact. This, of course, created conflict and things deteriorated further between us. After this conflict lasted for a while, my husband began to hint that he was losing feelings for me and the marriage. This left me with few cards to play. But it was clear that continuing to create drama just wasn’t working. It was making things worse. So I accepted what he said, told him that I still cared a lot about him and our marriage, and essentially waited behind the scenes. I stopped bothering him. I got out of town and spent time with people who loved me: family and friends. I gave him the space that he said he wanted so desperately. She was not doing this to punish him at all. I made it clear that I wanted things to be different. Finally, he turned around and we started communicating again. Over time, it became clear that he cared a lot.
The point I’m trying to make is that right before a breakup (or at the beginning of one) people can say hurtful things that end up not being true. As you already suspect, he may be trying to be a bit aggressive and abrasive so you don’t try to change his mind. You may be saying you don’t care, so you have no room to negotiate. I know this is difficult, but sometimes in situations like this, a pause is needed. The pause allows everyone to calm down and ensures that the situation does not get worse. Sometimes when you make it clear to him that you still care a lot and then give your husband the space he wants, he will miss you and realize that he actually cares a lot. People tend to take a lot of postures at the beginning of a separation. They make statements that they don’t really mean.
