My husband does not want to see or speak to me during our separation
I sometimes hear from wives who feel very alone, isolated and vulnerable during their marital trial or separation. Often the husband had assured the wife that the separation was going to work one way, but the wife is realizing that she now works in a completely different way.
I heard a wife say, “My husband and I separated about five weeks ago. He gave me the excuse that he felt he needed some time to himself. He assured me that he would let me know where he was and would occasionally when. He asked me to respect his need for space and I told him I would. After he was gone for a couple of days, I called him and realized he wasn’t happy to hear from “He told me he was busy and that he would call me He never did. So the next day I came. Every time I want to talk or see my husband, I have to be the one to initiate it. The other day, I stopped by his apartment and he invited people over. He was obviously angry to see me. He finally blurted out that he just wanted me to leave him alone for a while. He was so upset that I turned and ran outside and we haven’t been in contact since then. I’m so hurt by this. He’s made it clear to me that he wants me to leave him alone. But I don’t know if I can. I miss him. He’s my husband. to save my marriage and I don’t know if I can do that if we don’t even talk or communicate.”
I know firsthand how painful this is. And I also understand that the further he goes, the more fear creeps in and the more you can feel like you have to hold on even tighter. But it’s my opinion and experience that you often get to the point where continuing to push even harder will only hurt your marriage that much more.
I remember thinking that if I could just see my husband and make him understand, then I could change his mind. But what I didn’t understand at the time is that the more I kept trying to get him to listen to me, the more he thought I was unstable and a pest and the more he wanted to get away from me. This made it less likely that he would objectively listen to everything you had to say.
I’m not saying this marriage has reached that point. Honestly, she didn’t know if she had it. But I do know that often continuing with something that no longer works will make things worse. This is why I think that sometimes it is worth trying another strategy that I will discuss now.
Understand that for now, he is not asking you to leave him alone forever: Often when a woman hears her husband ask to be alone, her mind goes to the worst possible place. She may start to fear that he wants to be alone forever. This is not necessarily true. Sometimes she really just needs some time. And there are also times when she gives him that time she’s asked for, and she finds he’s lonely instead of liberating.
Sometimes what we don’t realize is that we haven’t allowed this process to work for us yet. He hasn’t had time to miss us because there hasn’t been a real separation yet. I know letting him out of your sight is hard. I know when you don’t hear from him you wonder if he’s forgetting about you or seeing someone else. These fears are difficult to overcome. But it becomes easier to do this if you realize that not doing it just makes him want more freedom from you.
So sometimes you have to turn the tables a bit. You have to give her exactly what she asked for, her own time, and then let her see that it’s not what she assumed.
This will not always happen right away. And it certainly isn’t always easy. But when you consider that the alternative is to continue pushing him when you’ve made it clear that you’re not receptive to that, then the choice becomes a little easier to make.
How to start giving him more space while staying hopeful: Some wives ask me if they should make an announcement that they are now backing down or if they should just let their silence do the talking. This is really up to you, and often depends on the state of your relationship at the time. In my case, I told my husband because I chose to go out of town for a while and I didn’t want him to wonder where I had gone.
So I told him I was going home to visit family and friends and he wouldn’t hear from me for a while because I was taking some time for myself too. I’m sure at first he thought something like “bon voyage”. But ultimately, the space actually worked for me instead of against me. And he actually took the initiative the next time he approached me.
I know it hurts to hear him tell you to leave him alone for a while. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be forever and if you don’t do it willingly, he can take space from him by force, which means he’ll start limiting your access to him. And this is probably not what you want.
