My husband feels uncomfortable around me since his affair: what should I do?
I often hear from wives who are trying to save their marriages after a husband’s affair, but run into some problems as they go along. I recently heard from a wife who was very candid about doing everything in her power to make sure her marriage was on the mend. She was still shocked and angry and struggling, but she was trying with all her might to focus on moving on. So, she was definitely doing her part.
And her husband claimed that he was just as committed as she was, but when the two found themselves together trying to reconnect and rebuild, it was very noticeable that the husband was uncomfortable and awkward. As such, these reconnection attempts were not going so well. The wife said, in part: “I think we’re both trying too hard, but it’s just not working. I can tell my husband is very tense and uncomfortable. It’s not like I’m trying to make him feel guilty or even bringing up the matter. It’s just that the easy relationship we used to have is gone. He’s constantly shifting his weight and clearing his throat. He rarely makes eye contact with me or meets my gaze. His awkwardness is almost Worse to me than the infidelity. Because we used to have such an easy and comfortable relationship full of laughter. And now it’s so awkward and forced. Why does he feel so uncomfortable when I try to make this as easy as possible for him? And is there anything I can do to make it better? fast?” I will try to answer these questions in the following article.
It’s normal for a husband to feel uncomfortable after an affair, even when both people really want the marriage to work: The wife in this situation was really worried that her husband would be so uncomfortable with her because his heart was no longer committed to the marriage. She was concerned that her husband was trying to “fake” her love and commitment to her and so she saw him shift uncomfortably. She could understand why she felt this way, but her perception wasn’t necessarily true.
Many times, a husband’s discomfort comes from guilt and things that remain unresolved. He sometimes knows how difficult is the situation that he has created for you and therefore it is very difficult for him to look into your eyes and see the pain that he created. And even when you are assuring him that you will survive and recover, he may still doubt him because he knows that he has made a big mistake from which things may never be the same.
Does this mean that the comfort level will not return? No, it doesn’t have to mean this. It may mean that the process will take some time or that there are still issues that have not been addressed that are still causing some problems or discomfort. Sometimes it’s best to try to have at least one short but candid conversation about it each day because when you can do this, the process becomes a little easier to navigate, if only because you get used to it.
If it’s been some time and you’re still noticing the discomfort, you may want to explore what might be causing it: Like I said, some discomfort is just part of this process. But if weeks and months have gone by without any improvement, you might want to explore if there are still some major and unresolved issues that are causing problems. Sometimes the husband is very worried that there is still some information that you don’t know yet and he is nervous that it will come out. Other times, the husband’s behavior is a reflection of yours, even though he may not be aware of it. And in some cases, the husband still feels guilty and this weighs heavily on him.
The way to improve all of these things is to keep communicating, to keep trying to move forward, and to keep being honest about how you’re feeling and what’s bothering you the most. The truth is that all the problems that an affair brings can eventually be overcome with honesty and work, but this often doesn’t happen on its own. You have to be very proactive and you have to tackle things as they come up. Sometimes it can be very tempting to ignore some of the nastier stuff and hope it will go away. But in my experience and observation, this is often a mistake.
Usually, ignoring the discomfort will only make things worse. No one wants to bring it up, so avoiding it becomes just one more thing to worry about, and the negative feelings only multiply. Of course, the wife in this situation wanted to feel that easy familiarity that had always defined her marriage. And she wanted this to happen immediately. While it would probably be helpful to contact her husband and ask if anything specific was bothering him, getting back on track after an affair will often take some time.
Once the husband was able to see his wife’s recovery and was able to show her that he was trustworthy, committed, and remorseful, his guilt level should begin to improve and the wife would likely begin to see her comfort level respond accordingly. I want to mention one more thing. The comfort of the husband is not really the responsibility of the wife. She can’t make him feel something he doesn’t feel and beyond offering him some reassurances and moving on, the rest is up to him.
With that being said, I felt that with continued progress and open communication, this was a situation that would continue to improve so that it would eventually not be the biggest issue the couple was facing.
