My husband left me for another woman, can I get him back?
I get a lot of emails from women whose husbands have left. One of the most common reasons behind this is the existence of another woman. Sometimes the husband clearly leaves to be with the other person. And other times, he denies that her existence is really the deciding factor in his walking away. Wives rarely believe this. Most of them feel that if they can find a way to get the husband to break off relations with the other person, then they will have a chance to repair their marriage.
This is probably simplifying the problem a bit. Because there are really three potential problems here. The first is what in the marriage contributed to the husband meeting and forming a relationship with another person. The second is the fact that the husband has withdrawn from the marriage and left. And, the third issue will only come into play if the husband decides to return home or at least wants to try to repair the marriage. The third theme would be to restore trust and connection after the betrayal from him.
However, it is important to understand that you will not be able to address any of these three issues without your husband’s cooperation. This process requires two willing people. With that being said though, there are ways she can set it up to hopefully contribute to her wanting to come back. I will discuss more about this matter in the following article.
That he ends the relationship with the other woman should be his choice, but you can push him towards this: First of all, it’s very tempting to think that you need to find a way to destroy your relationship. If that doesn’t work, the next step many people will take is to try to bombard the husband with so many pleas for attention that he realizes you’re superior to the other woman and decides she’s making a mistake.
You want him to realize that he is making a big mistake, but it really is in your best interest to allow him to make this decision for himself. When you try to force your hand or act desperately, you risk becoming a pest, contributing to your negative view and making your job more difficult.
Although this strategy may initially seem scary and risky, I am a firm believer that in general it is best to conduct yourself with personal integrity and make your strength clear. It’s best to tell him that even though you’re not sure you’re ready to end the marriage, you can’t bring up the subject of marriage unless it focuses solely on you and your relationship. Since this is not happening right now, he can contact you when he decides that he is committed only to you and the marriage. If you feel the need to, you can tell him that you’ll be there for him if he needs support or if he needs to talk, but the marriage has to get off the table as long as there are three people in this relationship.
I know this is a lot to ask, but it accomplishes several things. You’ve made it clear that it’s not acceptable for me to have someone else. You have presented yourself as someone with strength and standards and these things will make you appear much more attractive and in control. And you’ve made it clear that you’re not ready to end the marriage, but that some things will need to be cleared up before you consider fixing this.
Sure, your husband may not let the other woman go right away. But you’ve prepared yourself so that when he gets tired of her or realizes how stupid this all is, you won’t give up your strength or reduce your own actions to her level. Throwing yourself at your husband or acting in a way that is below you is horrible for your self esteem and overall situation. This type of behavior is often the start of a slippery slope that you want to avoid at all costs.
Portraying your best self while he’s away: It’s very tempting to never leave the house and sink into a deep depression, but these are additional things to avoid. You want me to know that no grass grows under your feet. However, don’t make the all-too-common mistake of looking for someone else. You are still married. You don’t want to behave like him. It’s okay to go out with friends and make sure he knows about it. He will usually wonder if you are seeing other people. And you can ask yourself this, but not make it true.
Once again, you want to portray yourself in an attractive way. He needs to know that you are the fun-loving, exciting woman he fell in love with. This is what you want to show him. Ultimately, you want the winds of power to start shifting. You want to draw him to you and you want him to be the one to chase you. It’s part of human nature for people to want what they perceive might be hard to have. Therefore, he always remembers that you want to move slowly and that you ultimately want to be in a situation where he is the chaser, not the other way around.
Once you decide to give up on the other woman: If you play this correctly and have a bit of luck and time on your side, he will often eventually realize that the other woman and his relationship with her is not all that he hoped it would be. When this happens, it’s common to feel so much relief that you let your guard down and are ready to accept it immediately. This is not always the best for you either.
You will need to take a hard look at the marriage and figure out what needs to be fixed to ensure that the relationship is strong from now on. That’s why taking it easy is always a great idea. There is likely to be a lot of water under the proverbial bridge, so don’t try to gain too much ground too soon. You have plenty of time and to restore trust and connection, a lot needs to happen. But, if you put too much pressure on the process, you risk compromising the results.
At this point, you will have worked hard to maintain your dignity and strength, so don’t ruin everything by letting your guard down. There’s still work to be done, but if you take it day by day and work together (because now he’s fully on board), you’ll have a better chance of success.
