My husband wants to leave me, how can I make him stay?
Last night, I received an email from a wife telling me that she felt like she was “running out of time.” Her husband had confided in her that he was considering leaving home in the short term and perhaps leaving the relationship long term. This terrified the wife. The relationship had always been somewhat volatile. But they had always found a way to fix things. They had broken up and got back together a couple of times before, but somehow she always knew that they would reconcile and get back together eventually.
This time things felt differently for her and more final. The husband seemed very determined to leave and move on. The wife wanted my advice on what to do to get him to change his mind or to “stay.” I felt strongly that I needed to stop the cycle of volatile behavior. It wasn’t helping at all. In fact, it will probably only make things worse. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.
Is there anything you can do to “make it stay?”:It was pretty clear to me that the wife wanted me to tell her some magical secret or deliver a perfect letter that was going to drastically and quickly change her husband’s opinion. I have to tell you that if things like this existed, I would have found them and then used them when my own marriage was in deep trouble. The truth is that there is no quick fix, but there are permanent and long-lasting solutions, which may take a little longer, but will work much better and much more permanently.
There are many things you can do to influence your decision to stay. But I think it is a big mistake to hope or think that you can control someone or “make” someone do what you want them to do. I took this stance as well and it was the biggest mistake I ever made. Men do not like the suggestion that they are not themselves or that they are not in control of their own thoughts and desires. Insinuating otherwise suggests a certain lack of respect, and no one wants to feel that their spouse believes that they know more, that they can make better decisions, or that they can control their own thought process.
So if that is the route you are taking, I hope you will reconsider this. At the very least, try to look at this objectively and assess whether this tactic has really brought you closer to what you really want. And I’m pretty sure when I say that what you really want is probably a healthy, stable and growing relationship in which you both participate equally and fully.
Because, what has she really gained by manipulating, blaming or tricking her husband into staying when deep down he really doesn’t want to? Sure, it’s still there physically. But it is certainly not there emotionally. And it’s probably only a matter of time when I revisit these numbers. As soon as stress sets in and starts to affect the relationship (and this almost always does), it is likely to start over. And next time, you will have to act even more drastically and try that much harder to regain control. This is not the best cycle to be.
Strategies to convince you that you really want to stay:My experience is that when you are in this opposite cycle, your husband will want to do the exact opposite of what you want him to do. So the more you push him to stay, the more he will want to go. It is best not to allow your fear to push you to act in a way that is below you. We have all begged, threatened, reasoned and belittled for him to stay. We have all heard those very embarrassing phrases coming out of our mouths and yet we just can’t seem to stop and move on.
These are the things I didn’t want my reader to do. I wanted her to take the opposite strategy. He wanted her to tell him that maybe he was right. Maybe a time apart would do them good. They could take time apart and both of them “give each other space” without leaving. She could visit her friends or they could both visit their friends or he could leave as he had been saying he was going to.
Of course, the wife did not like these suggestions. They meant that she could not control her husband and watch his every move. She was afraid that once she let him go, even for a while, he would never go back to her. Basically, she was afraid that he would find out that she liked being alone or meeting someone else and that would be the end of their relationship.
What many of us can’t see in these situations is that if we don’t make some changes, the relationship is likely to end anyway, either in the future or in the short term. The key to feeling secure in the relationship is knowing that you both really want to be there and that you will never have this peace of mind if you know that he really wants to leave, but has been tricked into staying.
It is far better to make it clear that you want to save the marriage, but that you also want him to be happy and support your efforts to make this happen. There is nothing wrong with saying that you, too, will make the most of your rest. You are probably wondering why you have had this abrupt and dramatic change of mind. This will sometimes help you get their attention. When this happens, you need to make sure you are introducing the woman you want me to see.
Because you already know the woman he wants to see. You are her at her best, when she laughs and flirts and doesn’t cling too hard or worry too much. You are the happy and lucky person who first caught his eye. Think for a second about how often you see this same person. Because this is the person you need to see now on a regular basis. And he’s not afraid, he’s not threatening, he’s not clinging, he’s not crying. She is in control of herself because she knows that he loves her and that you can work it out. She is your best chance to make this work. So don’t discount and become who you know you really are not.
Once you have their attention, you will eventually have to make some changes in the relationship. But this should not be attempted until you are stable in the relationship again.
