My spouse claims they want a temporary separation. But what if it was permanent?
Sometimes I hear of wives who have husbands seeking a “temporary” separation. Often times these husbands are very careful to paint a picture of what might just be a short hiatus in the marriage. The husband indicates that he would like to leave or move only temporarily to “get ready” or “have some space” so that he can return to the family in a better place. The idea is that this process will dramatically improve the marriage and only cause a temporary disruption of family life. Of course, worried wives will often not believe this little spiel. After all, once a husband leaves home and moves, how can there be any guarantee that he will return, especially since what might happen during the separation cannot be predicted?
A wife might say, “For the past two months, my husband has told me that he will seek a temporary separation. When I ask him to define this, all he will say is that he does not want a divorce and that he will not file any legal documents. He just feels like our marriage needs a hiatus, since we’re totally struggling all the time. He feels that if we both take time off, we can come back stronger and our marriage will get better. This all sounds great, doesn’t it? I think so. His only plan seems to be for us to live apart. He hasn’t mentioned counseling us or working on our problems. I’m too scared to ask him whether to date other people, but I’m very concerned about this possibility. is saying this will be temporary for me to agree. At the same time, I’m not sure my disagreement with him will make any difference. He has the ability to walk out the door, either way. whether you agree or not. At this point, I’d settle for reassuring me that I only have to worry about this temporarily. “
I fully understand your concern as I was certain that my separation would eventually turn into a divorce. It was not so. However, there were times when things seemed very bleak. The risk lies in the fact that there are two people involved. We may want to reconcile, but without our husband’s cooperation, it is not likely to happen successfully. From my own experience, research, and observations, I think there are a few things you can do to increase the chances that the separation is only temporary. I will list those things below.
Offer commitments before you move: I want to make one thing clear right away. Even when a husband moves out, many separated couples can reconcile. This doesn’t have to be the end of the world. But statistically speaking, the longer they live apart, the less chance they have of reconciling. Therefore, it is beneficial for you to keep the separate living aspect of this as brief as possible. If you haven’t already, I suggest you offer to sleep in the guest room or stay with your family or friends. This gives you your space, but no one is moving. This arrangement in which you do the movement gives you much more flexibility and control. There is much less risk with this plan. The downside is that not all husbands will accept it, but if you tell him that you will really back off and give him space, you can sometimes have him try it out on a trial basis. This is better than him moving out, in my opinion.
Control important variables when you move: Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to convince him to try alternative arrangements, it becomes clear that he will not be happy until he moves out. If you have to go this way (as I did), then it is better to make as many agreements as possible beforehand. The reason for this is that once he moves out, you sometimes lose liberal access to him as he searches for his space. Therefore, it is important that you speak up and define as much as you can before you leave. Work hard to get her to accept counseling. If you have to meet him regularly for these appointments, that’s access. Negotiate when you will meet and speak. Try to do it as regularly as possible. You don’t want to leave this to chance. Ideally, you will want to meet (or talk) as many times as possible so as not to separate from each other and find out what is going on in each other’s lives. It’s easy to lose intimacy when there isn’t enough contact. Many husbands will try to leave things up in the air, but they try very hard to get him to agree as much as he can.
