A borderline lesbian love!
Are you in a relationship with a woman and find yourself asking questions (often) like “Why did she hurt me?”, “How did I get involved with her?” and “Why is she acting that way? Do you feel like your relationship is out of control and that every move you make has the butterfly effect, causing a hurricane minutes later?”
About 6 million people in the United States have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), most of them are women. If you are in a relationship with a woman with BPD, her behavior is affecting you. Women with BPD often describe themselves as emotionally or verbally abusive, manipulative, deceitful, invalidating, demanding, lacking in empathy, moody, self-destructive (drug/alcohol-using and/or sexually impulsive), illogical, unfair, self-absorbed, and abusive with the children. Now this is important, you don’t have to have all of this to have this disorder. There must be enough influence from these traits to cause chaos in your life and relationships.
A trained mental health professional can make a diagnosis if you decide to find out if you have this disorder or if you are with a partner who may be affected by these character traits. Like most disorders, it is manageable, just like diabetes; however, it requires treatment and awareness of the symptoms and coping skills.
Most Borderlines are a powerful force and bring fear into a relationship. The woman who loves a borderline feels “brainwashed” by the accusations and criticisms of her partner. They will make you feel powerless, isolated, they will make you doubt what you know and feel, they will wear you down and keep you on your toes (in a terrifying way!). If you feel this way and want to regain control of your life and make better decisions, you should go and talk to someone who has experience with the disorder.
In our community of women we are bound to come across a woman affected by BPD (it affects more women than men remember!). We can’t always help the one we fall in love with, but we can have the knowledge and power to protect ourselves and the wisdom to walk away. Some loves aren’t worth the pain, unfortunately sometimes being healthy means knowing what’s best for you and feeling the pain of letting go. If you choose to stay in such a relationship, knowing what triggers certain emotions in you and your partner can help you better manage the interaction in your relationship.
Borderline personalities have predictable patterns of behavior (it’s the pattern that’s important!), which are derived from nine traits found in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), as well as false beliefs. Understanding how your partner’s emotions and behaviors affect you, how you react, and how it in turn affects your partner will shed light on your relationship cycle. Some patterns to look for:
- Extreme Projection: They attribute their own lack of self-esteem to another person. Saying things like “I don’t control, you do!” “Stop yelling at me” and “You always treat me like crap.”
- Division: everything is black and white or good and bad. If you’re not with them, then you’re against them, and that can mean war!
- Everything is your fault. It is an outpouring of continual blame and criticism. If you’re saying “I can’t do anything right!” you have been absorbed
- My needs are more important. It’s all about them and if you do what they need, everything will be good for you. They will go out of their way to meet your own needs.
- I win, you lose or no one wins! Basically damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
- Keep your distance! No, I mean get a little closer (this will drive you crazy!) I want you close, but I feel useless and scared if you find out I need you (no, this is not devilishly charming). The I love you/I hate you game will wear you down like sandpaper on a string.
- Verbal abuse: domination, assaults, abusive expectations, unpredictable responses, denial and CHAOS. “I’m telling you this to make you a better person!”
- Emotional blackmail: they are masters in manipulation, that is why limits will be important to develop a healthy cycle.
This is just the surface of the information available to you. There are a lot of resources and information out there. Unfortunately, lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) people are at increased risk of mental health disorders and suicidal behavior, which may be due in part to prejudice, social stress, social shame about sexuality, and lack of support. So, as a community, we need to strengthen support, resources, and communication between us. Some resources available are: The Oz Online Community for LGBT Family Members with a Borderline Loved One and the Book Series stop walking on eggshells.
Also, this is not about judging a BPD-affected woman, but about making healthier choices (hopefully, in the pursuit of happiness). The more knowledge you have about your environment, the better decisions you can make for yourself and your family. We all have rights, personal rights, make sure you take a moment to acknowledge them and make decisions not to avoid pain in the short term but to find health, love and happiness in the long term.
Alex Karydi ~ The lesbian guru
