How long should I expect the adventure to last?
Sometimes I hear from wives whose husbands are still having an affair. And they are trying to determine what kind of situation they might be facing. For whatever reason, the husband is reluctant to break off the affair or let the wife go. So the wife wants to know how long this could go on.
A common comment in this situation is something like, “I recently found out that my husband is having an affair with a woman he was engaged to in high school. This was a relationship that lasted decades, but they apparently decided to pick up where they left off. One of my friends turns out to be friends with the other woman. My friend found out about the affair and told me about it. When I confronted my husband, he told me that he had never lost his feelings for this woman and that he still has those same feelings. She didn’t offer to finish it at the time and she still hasn’t offered to finish it She lives in another state They communicate mostly by phone and text although they have spent a few weekends together when my husband told me he was away for work Our mutual friend says that if I give him time, the affair will fizzle out because they just can’t be together and in the same state long enough to build a real relationship tion. I wish he could believe this, but I’m not sure I do. My husband has said that he is not going to leave me and that he is not going to make any decisions immediately. But I can’t help but worry that he might move out to be with her or vice versa. And I get so depressed wondering how long this is going to last. How long do most issues take?
In fact, I tried to research this topic and most of what I found indicated a range of two to four years, on average. These statistics came from authors who had written books on the subject. I’m sure these authors did their research and I don’t really feel qualified to disagree with them. I am not a therapist or an expert in any way. But I have to say that the people I hear of bringing up matters that are usually shorter than this. Sure, from time to time I hear about a long-term affair. But most of the time, in these cases, everyone knows everyone else and accepts it. This scenario turns into a situation where the wife knows about her lover and reluctantly accepts it, so she goes on and on. The wife in the above scenario did not want this type of arrangement. So I suspect this won’t be the case here. But of course I can’t say for sure.
Things that can influence the longevity of an adventure: Sometimes the length of the affair depends on the kind of help the couple can get. A very good counselor can often be very persuasive in making the cheating spouse see the harm of these actions, but will also make it appear that the spouse himself or herself is willing to put an end to it.
Another consideration is the motivation of the other woman. It is not yet clear if she wants a long-term relationship. Because it is not only the husband who can end the affair. The other woman could decide that the relationship is not working for her or that she is not okay and end it at any time as well.
Even if you know all the variables, and even if you think you are clear on the motivations of both the husband and the other woman, it is very difficult to predict the future. There are so many unknowns when it comes to human behavior and emotions. There are also circumstances that could happen to end the relationship that no one saw coming. One or both people may have to move. The attraction could wear off. Or one of them may decide that it is too much work.
Some wives will give their husband an ultimatum, telling him that if he doesn’t break it off right away, he’s facing a separation or divorce. This is not always the best decision because I often see men who refuse to break up or claim they have broken up and then continue the relationship behind everyone’s back. Or, she might finish it but then get depressed because she misses her or feels like she wasn’t allowed to make her own decision.
And while I don’t necessarily agree with the 2-4 year statistic, I recognize that some adventures last a while. That said, an affair has a lot going for it. This is a relationship born in secrecy and shame. It cannot be healthy by its very nature. Yes, some people will be stubborn and try very hard to make it work. But statistically, the affairs don’t have much of a chance of succeeding in the long run. The question is how long it will take for the participants in the affair to realize that.
