How to get over an ex boyfriend with 3 Buddhist ideas
It seems quite strange that some ideas from Buddhism can provide a solution on how to get over an ex boyfriend.
The word Buddhism alone conjures up the image of a monk, sitting for hours on end, meditating. They seem to have some mystical powers of the mind, as they seem to be at peace with everything.
And in a way, you too can learn how to be at peace and get over your ex using these three key insights from Buddhism:
1.Deputy
2. Impermanence
3. Mindfulness
Note the simple and easy to remember acronym AIM. This will remind you of your “GOAL” to get over your ex boyfriend.
Okay, that was really cheesy. But it was better than my other options, MIA (Missing In Action) or IMA(?).
Anyway, the order of it doesn’t really matter. It flows from one to another. But it makes it easier to remember when you think of it as “aiming” to get over your ex.
Attachment and how to break up with your ex
Buddhism teaches you that attachment brings us suffering and pain. That we need to detach ourselves from the things that are causing our suffering.
In your case, attachment to your ex-boyfriend.
In Samantha Joel’s article, How to Get Over Your Ex, she reveals that in love relationships it is normal to become attached to your partner due to the close ties of intimacy and interdependence.
Psychologists call this the “attachment figure, that is, a person you trust for validation and support.”
And if your ex is the first person that comes to mind when you need validation or moral support. That means she is still your main attachment figure.
This was true for me. When I got a promotion at work, my ex was the first person I called to celebrate. The conversation was short. After I told him about my promotion, there wasn’t much else to talk about afterwards.
You want to let go of your ex as the primary attachment figure. One of the biggest reasons is that relying on your ex for validation and support is detrimental to your progress moving forward.
Fortunately, there is a way to break up with your ex. Samantha suggests that your friends and family become the new attachment figure.
In other words, you are replacing your ex with a new confidante. Someone who will be there for you when you need support.
There are understandably times when you want to get in touch with your ex.
do not do it
Staying in touch with your ex will only prolong the recovery process.
When you feel the need to contact him. Write what you want to say but don’t send it. Archive it.
Eventually, your attachment to your ex will dissipate as you continue to stay out of contact and form stronger bonds with friends and family.
Impermanence and how your feelings for him will change
In Buddhism there are no absolutes in this world: there is nothing immutable and eternal. Everything comes and goes.
Including those thoughts, feelings and emotions that you have for your ex.
This is impermanence.
When someone says that your ex partner was the only “one”. The true love of her. That they will never find another like them.
I feel sorry for them, because I felt that I would not find another like my ex. To me, she had qualities that I wanted in a partner. She was kind, caring, smart, and beautiful.
But over the years my feelings for her changed. When I looked back on the relationship, the rose-colored glasses came off and I could see the good. and bad about that
When you get your heart broken, you are prejudiced by your ex. Just seeing how good the relationship could have been. And you build evidence of this by only looking at the good things about it.
But you also need to remember the bad things to put everything in perspective.
As for your bread. It is a deep pain and it seems superficial to say that it will lessen with time.
But think of it this way. When you’re having a bad day and you get a little upset. You may feel like your day is ruined. But the good news is that your bad day is not permanent. There is always another day.
Also, you can change your attitude at that moment. Your attitude is not permanent. You’re not a curmudgeon all the time. Or is it you?
Still, impermanence is a profound truth. There is a simple phrase that captures its meaning. That is…
This too shall pass.
All the good things that are happening right now in your life. Like partying with friends or having a young and robust body. It will happen.
And also the bad things.
Mindfulness, the key to stop thinking about your ex
When asked why his disciples, who lived a simple and quiet life with only one meal a day, were so radiant, the Buddha replied:
“They do not regret the past, nor do they meditate on the future. They live in the present. That is why they are radiant. By meditating on the future and repenting of the past, fools dry up like green reeds cut (in the sun).” (Dhammananda 2002)
Mindfulness is about being present in the moment.
Be aware of the things that happen around you. Aware of your movements, actions, surroundings and thoughts.
And with impermanence in the background. Mindfulness is living life in the present knowing that this moment will pass.
It’s a simple idea.
But you lose perspective of this when you experience a breakup. Losing yourself in your past relationship. And ruminating on the future. Wondering if you’ll ever love again.
Practicing mindfulness frees you from these debilitating thoughts. Helping you stay focused on the present and working on the process of improving every day.
One of the easiest ways to start practicing mindfulness is to pay attention to your surroundings.
Take a moment to observe the things around you with a curious mind. Try not to apply any labels to them. For example, that is a book or that is a chair.
Just watch. Be. Looking at it and noticing things about it.
On the days I take my morning walks through nature. I practice mindfulness by noticing the finer details of a tree. But at the moment I try not to label it as a tree but as a thing.
When I am able to do it, I see how wonderful the tree is. It’s strange, considering that you see a tree all the time, but with mindfulness you see it in a new way.
I am not spiritual in any sense of the word. But mindfulness gives you a spiritual feeling of calm, peace, and joy.
But you don’t have to go on nature walks to experience this. You can be aware of anything in your life. For example, how you eat by eating slowly, savoring the taste and enjoying it.
Mindfulness brings you back to the present moment. And it helps you to forget the past and your ex for the moment.
With mindfulness, you can even see your world in a new light.
…
In general, using AIM can help you get over an ex boyfriend by learning how to let go, see that things will change, and remember to live in the present moment.
Sources:
1. Joel, S. (2012). How to get over an ex dating decisions. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dating-decisions/201209/how-get-over-ex
2. Dhammananda, K. Sri. 2002. What Buddhists believe. ebook. 4th ed. Kuala Lumpur: Malaysian Buddhist Missionary Society. http://www.buddhanet.net.
