How to never argue again in 3 easy steps!
Does this sound familiar to you? You love your husband/wife/partner/partner more than anyone.
BUT, when you argue, you end up in a fight trying to one-up each other with derogatory insults, put-downs, slurs, yelling, insults, and everything in between.
Why do the most passionate relationships seem to have the biggest blowouts?
Conflict is an integral part of any great relationship. There will always be times when you disagree. Arguing can help a strong relationship take the next step in development. It can also put the final nails in the coffin of a weak one.
The problem is not arguing as such but the bad way many of us behave when we are doing it. The aftermath leaves us feeling empty, sad, upset, anxious, disconnected, and insecure.
You know that feeling in your belly and that ache in your heart? It does not hurt!
Arguing often starts after trying to communicate something that upsets you, and yet due to the negative effects of a big barney, arguing is also something we try to avoid.
The problem with avoiding a potential argument is that problems are also avoided and problems persist.
So wouldn’t it be great if you could argue without those negative side effects?
Well, you can… but it takes practice and patience, and it’s much easier to pull off if you’re both on the same page.
Communication is the most important function of a relationship and therefore my mission is to help as many people as I can to improve theirs.
By using these 3 easy steps to stop arguing, you will surely begin to communicate better than you ever thought possible.
Step #1: Never argue when you are angry or upset.
This is the absolute most important rule to follow. When your blood boils and you want to rip the heads off your loved ones, then it’s time to stop. They both need to calm down.
When you’re angry, you can’t think clearly and are more likely to say something you don’t really mean. This is also the stage where violence between them can occur.
Whether it is verbal, emotional, or physical violence, they are all equally abusive. The negative effects of this type of domestic violence are well documented and no one should live in fear of its occurrence.
Take some time off! Go for a walk or run, watch a movie, read a book or magazine. Do whatever it takes to calm yourself down. To help lower your heart rate, get away for at least 20 minutes.
I think at least an hour works best, but make sure you set a time to get back together to work things out and reconcile.
I personally like to go for a walk. I turn up the volume on the music and scream at the top of my lungs. In the car no one can hear me and I take out my frustrations by yelling.
It feels good and once I’ve walked around the block and maybe caught a glimpse of the ocean, I feel much calmer and ready to communicate again.
Step #2: Don’t blame, point fingers or ‘kitchen sink’.
You know how it feels when you get attacked. The first thing you do is go straight to defense and close.
You can’t hear, you don’t want to listen, and you don’t care at all about the other person’s point of view. So don’t do it with this other one.
‘Sinking in the kitchen’ all your past indiscretions is totally counterproductive. What happened in the past must remain in the past. It is not necessary to build a case against them.
You just need to address the problem. Throwing all your past mistakes at them at once will only create more defensiveness and further distance your lines of communication.
Stick to one problem. Only deal with one problem at a time, this way neither of you will feel overwhelmed. You will be more able to solve the problem by concentrating on it alone, and you are more likely to be able to find a solution.
Kitchen – Sinking was a real issue for me. I was never able to limit myself to just one topic and my husband would end up defensive and shut down completely. Once I realized that it was no use bringing up issues we had already discussed, I stopped.
Now our channels of communication remain open and we can discuss what we need with more compassion and empathy.
Say how you feel. When you are upset about something your partner has done, instead of beating him up and blaming him for all the bad things he has done, think of the problem in terms of how he has made you feel.
By expressing your feelings, being vulnerable and open, you give the other person the opportunity to empathize with you and your emotions. Feeling this empathy helps defuse the argument and allows them to see things from your side as well.
Step #3: Stop trying to win. Why do we often treat our loved one like an evil opponent, stopping at nothing to ‘win’ the fight? The problem with fighting to win is that when there is a winner and a loser, the only real loser is the relationship itself.
Instead of trying to win, why don’t you try to listen? Listening is the most important part of communication and very few of us are good listeners. Our minds wander, we think of something else, and we are building our response even before we have heard what has been said.
Really listen. Listening is a skill that requires practice and patience. Often when someone brings her complaints to her, she doesn’t want to hear excuses or solutions, she just wants to know that she has been heard and understood.
Try to keep your opinions to yourself and acknowledge what they have said by letting them know you are listening as they feel.
There is nothing more powerful than the feeling of being understood and knowing that the other can see your point of view, even if they do not agree with it.
Since I’m pretty stubborn and usually have a lot of advice to give, I’ve developed a strategy that helps me figure out when my opinion is warranted or not.
Before I begin to offer my advice, I ask my client/loved one if they want to hear my advice or if they just want me to hear it.
This works really well and then it’s clear to both of them what the motivation is behind why they’re revealing who they are to me, plus I know exactly how to respond.
Win/win solution. Once you have listened (really listened) to each other’s opinion, you will be in a better position to be able to compromise and find a solution that works for both of you.
The solution must fit the needs of both and must have the same level of commitment. When you find a solution that is mutually beneficial, the real winner is your relationship.
Both of you will feel strong, confident, equal, and secure, and there will be no residual resentment left to creep into the future.
Being in any relationship, especially an intimate marriage or lifelong partnership, will see its fair share of ups and downs.
Anyone can enjoy and have fun when everything is rosy, but when the proverb hits the fanatic is when the true strength of an association comes to light.
If you communicate constructively by following the steps above, you will have a much better chance of being heard and understood. That way, you will be able to achieve a solution that you are happy with and that you are 100% willing to participate in.
