I don’t appreciate my husband enough: will this hurt my marriage?
Sometimes we think our marriage is working fine when we get a wake-up call that makes us realize we really haven’t been paying attention. It never ceases to amaze me how common it is to hyperfocus on things that don’t really matter (like pop culture and TV shows), but let our attention slip when it comes to the most important thing of all, which is our marriage and our family.
Unfortunately, most of us have done this at some point in our lives (myself included). And I don’t think that means we don’t love our spouse. Quite the contrary, it often means that things are going so well that we take our eyes off the ball because we think we can afford it. We begin to believe that our marriage just works and so we turn our attention to other things.
Many marriages put up with this for a while. The problem arises when that inattention turns into a lack of appreciation, into taking for granted, which becomes a kind of habit. Many spouses won’t even realize this at first. Or when they do, they will tolerate it, at least for a while. But no one wants to feel unappreciated forever. And eventually, this can start to seriously damage your marriage. If your spouse really feels unappreciated and unvalidated, he sometimes looks elsewhere for this validation. Sometimes this leads to infidelity. And other times, her spouse will begin to meet her emotional needs outside of their marriage. Both of these things can cause serious damage.
Here is an example scenario. A wife might say, “I am so upset because I only saw what was happening in my marriage when it was potentially too late to do anything about it. I can truly say that my husband is wonderful. years, he’s been paying all the bills around the house while I went to school. I told him I appreciate him. But that was mostly when I started school. I’ll admit I’ve been doing nothing for the last year or so. And I have to say that because I’ve made friends at school, I’ve been spending less time at home. Last week my husband had a medical procedure. It was just an outpatient procedure, but it meant he was in bed for a couple of days. and that he couldn’t do much for himself. The morning after the procedure, I asked him if I could get him something before he went to school. He was angry that I was going to school and felt that I should take a couple of days off to ra take care of it. He said that if the roles were reversed, he would do that for me. Deep in my heart, I know he is right. He would take care of me without hesitation. My husband made the comment that ‘it must be nice to have someone take care of you and pay all your bills without having to return the favor’. I ask so little of you. All I want is for you to worry about me from time to time, but you can’t do this because your focus is always on yourself. Is it wrong that I just want a little appreciation? ‘Cause I never get it from you And I’m sick of it. I know my husband is right. He is telling the truth. But I’m not sure how to appreciate it more. And if I try to show him now, he’ll know it’s only because he’s mad at me. He worries me that my inability to be appreciative will eventually destroy my marriage.”
Awareness is the first step: I don’t want to alarm you, but you’re right to worry. Spouses who don’t feel appreciated or validated will look elsewhere for the same thing. The good news is that you are aware of this and want to change. Many people just continue to approach their marriage in the same unappreciative way until their spouse leaves. This does not have to be your case because you are aware of the problem and you want to solve it.
I think the first step to fixing it is to be hyper-aware. And you have to train yourself to do this. I think the easiest way to do this is to take a few seconds each day to make a literal or mental list that describes the good things her husband has done or the ways it makes her life better. You might write down “a husband who supports me in every way.” Or “someone with whom I can share everything.” Whatever you appreciate, write it down. Because you can’t act on it until you notice.
Know what your husband really wants and then take action: The next step is to act. You want your husband to know that you appreciate him. And you want to be genuine about it. He has already told you that he does not expect much. He just wants you to acknowledge his efforts and he wants to feel loved once in a while. I think we can both agree that this is not too much to ask. It’s not like he’s needy and he expects you to overdo it. He just wants to feel recognized and validated.
There are many ways to do this. The first is to recognize him the moment he does something good. If he makes you coffee, give him a hug and thank him. The next step is to acknowledge those things in progress. Leave him a note telling him how much you are fully aware of how supportive he is and how much you appreciate him. Give him a lot of sincere and genuine physical affection. And go out of your way to return the favor.
Find out your currency and deliver. What I mean by this is that not everyone needs or requires the same payment. You know your husband better than anyone and he would be the most knowledgeable person about what will make him feel loved. Whatever it is, make the effort. He has fulfilled her part of the bargain and now you have the opportunity to fulfill yours.
