Intersubjectivity – The essence of real interactions
Avoiding true communication is tantamount to giving up my own being; if I walk away from her I am betraying not only the other but myself. -Karl Jaspers
I don’t get many cold calls these days. Today I did. Two, in fact, about five minutes apart. What caught my eye, like most of these calls, is the shallow, scripted, briskly flat, “How’s it going today?” immediately after the caller provides their name and company.
In my mind, those four words are the kiss of death? Why? They communicate to me (1) that it’s not about me and (2) the caller is basically feigning interest and unconsciously jumping through a required hoop to get to the pitch and hopefully a sale. It’s about them; not really about me. I hang up immediately, 99.9% of the time after a polite “No thanks”.
So let’s take a look at this phenomenon from the perspective of how we meet and greet others at work, at home, at play, and in relationships.
Do you mind? Really?
If you look back on your day, or over the past few days or weeks, can you remember times when you asked someone “How are things?”; “What’s going on?;” How are you doing today?” and the like? Do you remember his answers? And, most importantly, can you remember that you stopped and listened, really listened? response? Was he really interested? Did you feign interest? Were you respectful? Were you sorry? have asked?
In a fast-paced, Twitter-minded world, we have a tendency to “put down” another even when we ask how they’re doing. Unconsciously, we assume a quick “what’s up?” or “How are you today?” falsely allows us to check the box “Did I meet anyone today?” on my “how to have positive relationships” check sheet. For many of us, it’s actually an unconscious, instinctive question that we ask and, truth be told, we don’t care what they’re like. I’m sure more than one of us, when we are “greeted” in this way, have an internal response of “yeah, like he really cares!”.
intersubjectivity
Between two people, or you and a team, or you and a group, there is a space. Here, we will focus on two people interacting. That space between you two is not an empty space. It’s full of energy. What kind of energy? An energy that, in a continuum, goes from warm to cold, from soft to hard, from relaxed to tense, from strong to weak, from love to fear, etc. Get it? Energy reflects back to you who you are, what you are, and how you are right now. This phenomenon is called intersubjectivity and it is what happens when two souls meet. It’s about how you feel, not so much about what you’re thinking, although what you’re thinking will affect how you feel.
The experience of intersubjectivity is what allows you to have a felt sense of the interiority of yourself and the interiority of the other person. Intersubjectivity is the degree to which you allow yourself to open up for the other to have a deeper experience of you in the moment.
The experience of intersubjectivity allows you to be curious about who you are, who you are taking yourself into the interaction, how you experience yourself and the other person emotionally, physically, energetically and spiritually, from the perspective of “who am I?” me”. “here and now, and we are not talking about role, position, etc. – but a deeper sense of “who I am”.
Some questions that one could explore in a state of intersubjectivity could be:
How do I feel (perhaps using a metaphor)?
How does the space in which I am/we are immersed feel?
What is my experience of “ease of being” during the interaction?
How old do I feel?
How does my heart center (not the physical heart, but the spiritual heart center area in the middle of your chest) feel?
What quality is the soil?
Am I “in my head” or somewhere else in my body?
How connected to the other do I feel?
What am I feeling in my body?
Is my heart compromised?
What stories about this experience am I telling myself?
How grounded (eg, vs. “spacious”) do I feel?
Do I have a lot of mental or ego activity?
Am I trusting myself/the other right now?
How is my breath?
Am I sharing my truth?
Do I feel that I am being influenced by the other?
Do I feel authentic?
Do I feel like I want to be in this interaction?
Do I need to be/feel accepted?
Do I feel supported by my Being?
Why is intersubjectivity useful?
Intersubjectivity is a way of seeing yourself as a barometer that points out how you “appear” in the relationship, to assess the degree of your authenticity, to observe the quality of your interactions (feelings, emotions, physiological sensations) and make sense of it. of that “space” between you and the other. Focusing on the quality of the space between you can and will, if intentional and sincere, help you get to know yourself, who you are, during interactions. It’s as if the “content” is irrelevant; “context” is everything.
What intersubjectivity awareness does is help make one “aware” of their interactions so that more “unconscious” interactions, such as walking into a room, office, kitchen, living room, restaurant, store, classroom , meeting room, etc. and uttering a quick “how’s it going?” and pretending to care will be less and less part of your relationship repertoire. It allows for “personality”, a quality that is sadly lacking in many of our daily interactions, at work, at home (yes, even at home!), at play, and in relationships.
So if you don’t mean it or don’t care, then don’t ask.
“So when you’re listening to someone, fully, attentively, then you’re listening not just to the words, but also to the feeling of what’s being conveyed, the whole, not a part.” -Krishnamurti
So some questions for self-reflection are:
- Think of a few people you interact with regularly at work, at home, at play, and in relationships. As you reflect, how would you describe the “space” between the two of you in general? What do you see about how you present yourself in these relationships as a result of this reflection?
- Do you consciously or unconsciously distance yourself from others (avoiding, antagonistic, etc.)? What stories do you tell yourself to make this happen? Do you often feel “separated” when conversing with others?
- When you are in dialogue with someone whose goodness, beauty or truth you cannot see, how can you “warm up” the space between the two of you and see their truth?
- All things being equal, if someone tries to create a “safe space” between you and them (be open, honest, authentic, reveal emotions, feelings, etc.), how does that make you feel?
- Did you experience the quality of intersubjectivity between your family members growing up? What do you think now?
