Is your partner a commitment phobe?
Is “let’s go to the shack” really the new “till death do us part”? This article will discuss and try to answer the questions, what is commitment today in the 21st century and are you clear what role commitment plays in your relationship?
My good friend Tina just sent me an email saying that she hasn’t dated anyone since her divorce about 6 months ago, and since she’s been married and divorced 3 times, she insists she will NEVER remarry. Also, any man who gets involved with her will have to understand that the word ‘marriage’ is simply not in her vocabulary!
At the same time, I was about to end a relationship with a man I love and adore because I couldn’t make the leap into marriage, which I consider vital to commitment.
I have another client who has been married and divorced 5 times and says she is NOT going to have sex with someone without the commitment of marriage. She wants to be honored and appreciated and believes the old saying, “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
How come three people who want and value commitment come from such different places? What is your position on the issue?
What about the couple who reasonably decides to move in together and see how that goes and then decide if they’re compatible, and if they are, then they’ll get married? I recently spoke to a woman who told her boyfriend that she viewed moving in together as if she was going to audition for him and if she passed, he would keep her. This may not bode well for many people looking for commitment. In fact, according to the Relationship Coaching Institute, your chances of staying married aren’t any better if you live together first.
Is coexistence a commitment? Is promising not to date anyone else a commitment? Is agreeing to have a child together a commitment? Is marriage, these days, in light of the high divorce statistics, a compromise? Is sharing the financing a commitment? What is a commitment?
David Steele, president and CEO of the Relationship Coaching Institute, says there’s a difference between a promise and a commitment that includes marriage. “In short, a promise is something you say and a commitment is something you make… A promise is a small commitment. If a potential partner doesn’t keep their promises, I would question their ability to keep the commitments, as they are definitely related.” .
Steele goes further: “A commitment is explicit and unequivocal. A commitment is a formal event of some kind between two people. A commitment is something you DO over time. A real commitment is usually legally enforceable and there are consequences for breaking it. And “For a relationship to be truly committed, there are no exits: mentally, emotionally or physically. When the going gets tough, you make it work.”
I recently worked with a client who lived with a man for 8 years. They have a 6 year old. He kicked her out of the house and now she is homeless, going from friend to friend. The house was his before the relationship and he was the one with the job. She can’t even get custody of her child because she has nowhere to live. If she were married, she would have rights to the house, the child, and alimony.
I have another client whose boyfriend dumped her after 17 years. He left her with the house and the child, but with no way to make the payments. Of course, she can go after him for child support, but since he’s a self-employed handyman, she’ll be lucky to see $300 a month. If she were married, he would have to help her with expenses and/or spousal support.
Of course, I am giving legal examples of what can happen to people who live together without marriage or a cohabitation agreement. Heterosexual couples living together are similar to gay couples in that they do not have legal capacity. Without a will, there are no inheritance rights. Without marriage or a binding power of attorney, there are no rights to make medical decisions about your loved one, health insurance rights, etc.
On the other hand, what about a marriage where one person keeps secrets, has affairs, hides money? Does the “marriage contract” make one commit? Certainly we all know many marriages that have ended in divorce.
What about the emotional security of commitment? I was recently listening to an Alison Armstrong show about being in sync with the opposite sex. She described women as only capable of loving as big and wide as their future can hold. So when a woman believes there is an endless future, she can give herself completely, all of her love, attention and passion to a relationship. When she is not sure about her future, she literally has to control her emotions, moderate her loving feelings.
Similarly for men, there is a security in marriage. When tempted by women or sexual advances, your wedding ring is a good reminder of the safe zone in which you live. Remember his vows and what is important to him. It is always difficult for a man to refuse free sex; let’s be honest here. But when he’s really committed, his integrity will save the day and the relationship.
David Steele proposes these three criteria to see if something is really a commitment versus a promise:
CRITERIA #1: Promises made to each other about the permanent nature of their relationship.
CRITERIA #2: Explicit, formal and public statement.
CRITERIA #3: Commitment is unequivocal to partners and others. This definition of betrothal sounds like betrothal, doesn’t it?
One problem we have with the term commitment is that it is confused with the mental or criminal definition of “commitment.” We think of men mostly as commitment phobes or fear of commitment. Perhaps the number one fear most men face is the loss of freedom. Whether true or not, it usually is.
the #1 site for men as the reason NOT to get married.
Says Steele, “Some couples have a problem with commitment because they confuse the two definitions. They fear that commitment in a relationship means entering an institution with too much structure, control, and barriers to their freedom to be themselves. They’re wrong.
“A commitment is a liberating and growth experience. When two people commit to each other to grow, learn about life and love together, they are creating a positive place to be. A commitment is an act of trust, both of oneself like your partner’s”.
The person who is afraid of commitment has to look inside to see why they don’t trust themselves in a relationship. Will they lose themselves? Isn’t their sense of self strong enough to resist the “partnership” part of a relationship? When we think of FEAR (false evidence that seems real), the only way to get over it is to jump in and do it and TRUST yourself that whatever happens, you can handle it.
Over the years, I have met many men who say that the fear of losing their freedom really was false evidence that seemed real to them. Only after taking the leap did they discover the richness and fullness of life that commitment offered. The question of commitment, especially with men, is interesting because men commit to all sorts of things in their lives. They commit to jobs, houses, sports teams, clubs, and often frequent the same bars and restaurants. In general, men are very loyal when they choose to be.
Choice, it seems, is a key component of engagement. You have many couples who are together and they are happy and content as long as it is their choice. Once the choice is removed, say, in the case of marriage, it is now a promise and a “contract” and no longer represents “free choice” in their lives.
Imagine the whole idea of commitment as a great round circle. On one side of the circle, it is a gift of love, adoration, caring, and on the other side, it is obligation, change, and uncertainty. However, on the other hand, it is fun, excitement and spontaneity and on the other hand it is monotonous and routine. I think the view of commitment changes with your own perceptions and choices.
Most men, says my friend Tom, a happily married man of over 35 years, resist change. If you have an older man who has been single his entire life, he just won’t be comfortable with making such a big change. Some young men seem to be commitment phobic, Tom says, because they don’t want to commit until they have stable and successful careers. They need to feel ready and to do that, young men need to feel successful and know that they can make the woman in her life happy by providing her with a good home and lifestyle. Still, he says, sometimes it takes a woman to wake him up and give him an ultimatum. If she is young, he needs to see that she has faith in him, because he himself has no experience with success yet. If he is older, he may have to “ease” into the change.
For those of us who want something safe, I have to apologize. I’m sorry to say that nothing is certain. Even with the act of marriage, the last commitment in our society, the divorce rate is still 50%. Is there a way to beat the odds? I think to be truly committed, there has to be a combination of choice, an ongoing choice to be in the relationship, heart and soul, with a kind of legal commitment, standing up to people, and promise. I love the idea of each wedding anniversary, choosing us again. Re-evaluate your relationship to see if you are on target with your goals and dreams as a couple.
We are all different, that’s what makes the world go round. Feel free to send me your comments on this. I am very interested in what you have to say. In the next article, I will share with you the most important factors in keeping your committed relationship together.
Lori S Rubenstein
love advice coach
