Marriage Tips: Eight Steps to Marriage Harmony
The formula for marital harmony and success is not some mysterious secret. It’s actually very simple.
The “behind the scenes” part is the constant work required to keep the channels of love and communication free of obstructions. Diligent spouses consistently spend time and energy addressing problems as they arise so that anger and hurt feelings don’t build up.
Spouses who want satisfying marriages also look for ways to keep their love strong, like remembering to show affection and appreciation often. They know that the more connected and united they feel, the more motivated they will be to solve problems and stick with it when the going gets tough.
The following eight steps will guide you through what you can do to increase your chances of creating a happy and harmonious marriage:
one. Work on yourself and your own issues that you brought with you into the marriage.
Many responses you have to your spouse’s actions are triggered by past events dating back to your childhood. If one of your emotional wounds is feeling disrespected, when your partner inadvertently does something that triggers those feelings, you will experience an intense reaction. Individual counseling can help you become more aware of what’s behind your overreactions and what you can do to not overreact to problems in your marriage.
two. Avoid blaming your partner for problems in the marriage.
Guilt only makes the other person defensive and angry, and decreases the chance that the two of you will be able to find a win-win solution to your problems. When you focus on blaming your spouse for what is going on in your marriage, you are planting seeds of resentment that can damage your relationship. A marriage is made up of two people, each contributing to the quality of the relationship and sharing responsibility for it.
3. Be empathetic and put yourself in your partner’s shoes when problems arise.
Really try to understand where your partner is coming from when you disagree or when your partner does something you can’t understand. Ask your spouse to talk about her feelings. Listen respectfully and ask your spouse to clarify points that he does not understand. Develop a curiosity to learn more about your spouse’s feelings, and take special care to create an emotionally safe environment for conversations with your spouse.
Four. Find ways to make your partner’s life easier and show your love.
Many of the irritants and stressors of modern life are the little things: the extra time it takes to pick up cleaning on the way home from work or to put clean dishes in the dishwasher. When you see an errand or chore you can do to save your partner time, offer to do it.
Look for opportunities to give your spouse a few minutes to relax or unwind. Keep an eye out for things you can do to pamper your partner when you can. Often it’s the little things that can make a big difference in marital happiness and satisfaction.
5. Express appreciation frequently and get into the habit of saying “thank you.”
As the months and years go by, many spouses take each other for granted and refuse to express appreciation or say “thank you” to each other. Many spouses complain that their partners only focus on what they are doing wrong and never compliment them.
It’s sad to think that the person who means the most to you might have to wonder if you appreciate them or not. Let your spouse know how much he or she means to you often. Give compliments and praise freely, and express your appreciation for all that your partner does to enrich your life and your marriage.
6. Apologize quickly and sincerely, taking responsibility for your part in what happens in the marriage.
The truth is, sometimes it’s hard to say “I’m sorry.” That’s when it’s time to remember the question, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?”
Accept that things don’t always make sense in a relationship and that confusion and misunderstandings can easily happen. It’s a sign of maturity when you can say, “I’m so sorry for my part in what happened between us.”
7. Have hobbies and activities in your life that you enjoy so that your interests are not so easily sidetracked if you have a falling out or fight with your spouse.
It’s important to have interests and activities of your own that satisfy you and can help keep you balanced and grounded if other areas of your life bother you. That way, you can more easily regain a sense of perspective and be able to withstand ongoing stress.
For example, if you and your spouse hit some rocks in the relationship road, you could take a long bike ride, go fishing with a friend, visit a museum, or read an interesting book. These activities and interests can add pleasure to your life to help balance temporary problems in your marriage. You’re always ahead of the game when you know a few ways to lift your spirits.
8. Find fun activities and bonding experiences to share with your partner.
Look out for activities that might be fun for you and your spouse to do together. Look in the local paper for plays, concerts, new movies, museum exhibits, neighborhood fairs and festivals, and new restaurants being announced. Laughter and fun bond and can help create those “Kodak moments” that are so delicious.
Also look for activities that represent causes you and your spouse believe in, like spending a Saturday helping a local charity with a garage sale or volunteering together at a local soup kitchen. These experiences can serve to remind you of what you have in common with your spouse and how good it feels to work in unison with a shared purpose.
