The Narcissist Dating Game
Written by Randi Fine, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine
Disclaimer: Although the abuser is referred to with male pronouns and the abused with female pronouns in this article, the author is in no way implying that narcissists are predominantly male and those they abuse are predominantly female. That is completely false.
Narcissists don’t have what it takes to build successful relationships. Ruled by evil minds, they see others as their extensions rather than separate individuals with independent thoughts, desires, and needs.
Narcissists are not capable of the commitment and compassion that should exist in couples, they lack empathy and are completely self-centered. The narcissist chooses a romantic conquest for one reason only; meet up its needs. True reciprocity will never exist. They may become partners, but there will never be a real partnership.
A lot of headaches could be avoided if we knew what we were dealing with from the start. But if we’ve never experienced this kind of relationship before or don’t have a working knowledge of the narcissistic mind, we may not know how to avoid it.
When two people are attracted to each other for the first time, a powerful chemistry occurs. They feel dizzy, delirious and euphoric. The magnetism between them is powerful, passionate and lustful. Caught up in this whirlwind of emotions, differences are not weighed and logic is absent.
This period of what feels like true love is called the “falling in love” or “honeymoon stage.”
It is natural for us to desire love and acceptance. Who wouldn’t want to be showered with attention and treated like the most attractive and desirable person on Earth? Every new love relationship, healthy or not, starts out that way and it’s very easy for someone to get caught up in the ecstasy.
We all hope that the euphoria of the honeymoon stage will last forever, but it never lasts. It’s not meant to. In successful relationships where partners stay the course, the partner eventually moves from that heady feeling to a place of comfort and safety. That’s when true love begins.
From that starting point, the relationship is built and strengthened. Love endures. The respect is mutual. Partners can depend on each other. Plans are made for the future. The agreements are fulfilled.
None of this is true when it comes to relationships with narcissists. In these relationships, the honeymoon stage is similar to the one I described, but the drunken feelings are only experienced by one party: the victim. The narcissist also enjoys this stage, but for different reasons. He loves the feeling the fresh new narcissistic supply gives him.
Initially, the narcissist is charming, complimentary, charismatic, and captivating. If there was a list of everything his love interest ever dreamed of in a partner, every box would be checked. He is the idealized personification of the “knight in shining armor” or “Prince Charming”. If the narcissist is a woman, she is seen as a “goddess” or “enchantress”.
Although this utopian situation feels real to the love interest, it is not. The narcissist is not at all who they pretend to be. He can act like “Mr. Wonderful,” but it’s all an act. At the same time that he is courting her, he interviews her to assess her and find out how to catch her. Believing that he is genuinely interested in what she has to say, he cares about what she wants and is empathetic to her feelings, she exposes herself completely. If the capture is successful, the pretenses will quickly disappear and he will never see the person he fell in love with again. All of his reveals will be used as ammunition against him.
The campaign of narcissistic abuse begins immediately after he secures the union. Once that happens, he quickly withdraws his affection and denies the victim’s right to her individuality. From then on, he ridicules her and demands almost everything she does and says. She is made to endure illogical cruelty. Surprise attacks come out of nowhere and intimidation is the norm. Every time she tries to express herself, she is provoked, humiliated and reprimanded. He tells her over and over that she is ugly, stupid, and crazy.
Not wanting boundaries between them, he gradually loses his right to privacy. His cell phone, computer, email, social networking sites, and journal should all be accessible to him. He feels entitled to listen to his private calls. Full details of his work and social life are expected to be available upon request.
She is falsely accused of impropriety. He blames her for things that aren’t her fault and then makes her grovel for her forgiveness. He uses her emotional and physical withdrawal to punish her.
The partner must undulate with the unreasonable and ever-changing demands of the narcissist in order to remain in their good graces. She must constantly please him, caress him and turn her world around her. Ever afraid of losing the supply she gives him, he repeatedly tests her devotion. She must constantly prove her love for him.
At the beginning of the relationship, the couple affirms itself as an individual. He will try to do it again from time to time after the campaign of abuse has started, but will eventually stop because he will only make things worse for her.
After repeatedly being subjected to the narcissist’s campaign of abuse and devaluation, she finally submits to the belief he conditioned her to adopt: that his needs and preferences are far more important than his own. Although she continues to have her own needs and preferences, as the narcissist’s willing subordinate, she willingly holds them back.
Taking advantage of the illusion that he has created in her, the narcissist systematically undermines her self-esteem. He reinforces over and over how flawed, incapable, and worthless she is. He holds her responsible for everything that goes wrong in her life. And he convinces her that she is to blame for her unhappiness and for all the problems they both have. Beaten so far by her unrelenting punishment, she internalizes all the blame and reclaims every insult.
Mesmerized by the Svengali-like influence the narcissist has on her, she makes him her entire world. She puts him on a pedestal, magnifies him, adores him, and adores him. Encouraged by him through constant reinforcement that her instincts and memories are wrong, she questions her own judgment. She eventually loses the ability to think for herself and must depend on the narcissist to tell her who she is. The dependence on her that she forms on her makes it increasingly difficult for her to survive without him. Confusion becomes the new normal for her. She can no longer function as an independent individual.
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