Will I ever stop resenting my husband’s infidelity and cheating?
I am sometimes contacted by women whose husbands have cheated on them. They are frustrated and tell me that they really want to save their marriages, they still love their husbands, and they want to restore trust. However, no matter what they do, they can’t seem to get over their anger and resentment at the adventure. I often hear things like “even though my husband says and does all the right things, I still get annoyed by him and cheat on him. My anger drives him further away and makes it worse, but I don’t know how to stop it.” Or, “I feel like grounding him all the time because I’m angry, but I know our marriage won’t survive if he never forgives him and I can’t get over this.” There is no doubt that this is a difficult situation, but I know that it is possible to overcome this resentment as I have. In this article, I’ll share tips and advice on learning and post-affair resentment and anger.
Know that your husband’s time and trustworthy, reassuring behavior are necessary: The old saying “time heals all wounds” isn’t really all that comforting here, but there is some truth to it. Not every day after an affair will be pleasant, but as more time passes, the amount of angst and palpable pain will start to lessen a bit. Some days are always better than others and some days you may feel receptive and forgiving, while the next day you may feel angry and grounded. These changes are completely normal.
But, at best, in time, your husband should be doing the right thing to help you heal. Over time, you will begin to see that she is exactly where she says she is and that she is who she should be with. He will show you patience, calmness, and affection as you go through the healing process, and he takes full responsibility. It really helps if a husband gives him limited access to his email and cell phone records. He can choose not to wear them, but he knows that he has nothing to hide.
Over time, as you begin to see that you are getting what you need, the resentment will begin to subside. But to really keep it at bay, you’ll have to create a new reality.
Provoke emotions other than resentment: In the meantime though, there are some coping mechanisms I can share. When feelings of anger and resentment arise, pause for a minute and see if you can identify their cause. Is it possible that you are not meeting all your needs? Do you need more affection, reassurance or patience from your husband? If so, tell him. Because resentment won’t subside until you get your needs met.
When this resentment starts to rear its ugly head, see it for the negative saboteur it really is. Tell yourself that we all make mistakes, and remind yourself of all the times her husband was by her side, rocked a colicky baby, nursed her when she was sick, or listened when no one else did. An affair is a horrible offense. I will never tell you that it is not. But, everyone makes bad decisions. Yes, this one was very bad, but I’d be willing to bet that this man has other redeeming qualities worth considering.
Often it helps to get busy right away with something else until the thoughts leave your mind. My favorite way to do this was by exercising. It made me feel physically strong, it took my mind off things, and I eventually lost some weight, which ultimately helped my self-esteem.
Making your marriage better than ever is a very effective way to stop resentment about the affair: A big problem I see in marriages affected by infidelity is that the person who was cheated on continues to walk around like a walking wounded person, while the person who cheated becomes the type so guilty that they slouch and don’t look. contract with anyone
Both people are miserable and no one is having much fun. It goes without saying that if you continually experience negative feelings and experiences, you’re more likely to see the bad in almost anything, and it’s easier to hold on to your anger. So to start breaking this cycle, you have to start breaking negative feelings and experiences.
One way to do this is to try to have some lighthearted fun with your partner (no intimacy if both parties don’t feel comfortable). I’m talking about a walk in the park, a game room, a trip to a lake. This outing is not intended to provoke deep discussions or intimate moments. It is only meant to show you that the two of you can interact with each other and have positive feelings and interactions again.
If these interactions are successful and frequent, the positive feelings feed off each other and will lead both parties to better communication, to being open about their feelings and to marriage, and to being on the same side.
At its best, the work you do on the marriage and open communication lead to a stronger, more fun, and more intimate marriage. Because when both parties are happy, satisfied, having fun and having their needs met, neither clings to (or resents) the past, because they look to the future with hope and anticipation.
