Sex Addiction Recovery: What Couples Need to Rebuild Trust
The recovering sex addicts I counsel often ask what their partners need to rebuild trust after sexual betrayal. My initial answer is quite obvious: THE TRUTH, in combination with fidelity, respect and the end of manipulation. She needs to know that her partner really wants to hear her heart and is willing to share his. But the most basic need of all, the one that will be essential to finally restoring trust, is unfortunately the one that is most destroyed by betrayal: a sense of emotional security in the relationship.
When the addict understands that the search for emotional safety is the fuel that drives the behavior of sex addicts’ partners, the myriad of emotions and actions that frustrate recovering addicts and confuse many therapists becomes understandable.
Betrayal is traumatic for partners. When a partner’s betrayal occurs in the context of a sexual addiction, the possibility of future betrayals cannot be ignored and the resulting anxiety becomes overwhelming. Not only does the partner no longer trust the addict, they no longer trust their own intuition. Since you ignored your intuition or your intuition let you down, doubt is now rampant. Intuition, the most basic innate mechanism for safely navigating your emotional world, is silent, now a source of distrust, or it is difficult to distinguish the sound of your own intuition from the fear generated by trauma.
The couple was hurt by what they didn’t know, or understand, about their sex-addicted spouse. If she was hurt in the past by what she didn’t know, she can be hurt in the future by what she doesn’t know. This often triggers an intense need to find all the pieces of her partner’s sex addiction puzzle and put them together in a way that gives her a sense of understanding what she’s dealing with and whether she wants to stick around to see the outcome. The puzzle she tries to solve is: “How do I stay emotionally safe?”
The partner of a sex addict believes that they can no longer trust the addict for truthful or reliable information, nor do they believe that they can trust their own judgment. Thus, the route to emotional safety seems to lie in interrogation or detective work. This awareness can result in a compulsive fixation on searching for “proof” of further deception as a way to gain some sense of understanding about past betrayals and predict relational landmines in your future.
As the sex addict moves deeper into recovery, the partner’s sense of emotional security is further undermined by the doubt that is now associated with periods of relative calm, or the fear that is triggered when trust begins. to grow again in the relationship. At first glance, this may seem counterintuitive and is easier to understand in other types of trauma. For example, imagine that you are taking a drive in your car, aware of how much you are enjoying the scenery on a beautiful day and the pleasant music in the background, and your last conscious thought before being hit by a truck that you did not know. see it coming is, “I’m really having a good time.” It is very likely that in the future the awareness of enjoying driving will be associated with later fear. We often experience this as the fear of ‘the shoe is about to drop’.
For the partner of a sex addict, the ‘shoe about to drop’ feeling can occur as they become aware of a growing sense of security and trust in their partner. For example, the couple may notice that their partner’s overt indicators of sexual performance are no longer evident and that he or she sounds sincere when professing a commitment to be sexually sober and faithful. She can think to herself, “I’m not noticing any signs of betrayal” and breathe a sigh of relief.
Suppose, however, that your next thought is, “But I didn’t see any signs before. I thought I could trust my own perception of reality in the past. I was wrong then and was surprised by the betrayal. I’m going to get hurt again.” . An initial feeling of safety now triggers a great wave of fear. She will be on high alert to protect herself from the danger that her nervous system tells her is near. This often serves as a precursor to what partners call the “emotional roller coaster” or an influx of intense and sometimes paradoxical emotions in combination with intrusive thoughts and memories. This includes increased physiological arousal, sleep disturbances, poor concentration, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and fluctuating feelings of fear, shock, anger, sadness, rage, which may alternate with numbness.
So how does the recovering sex addict help his partner regain a sense of emotional security? Tell the truth! When the addict tells the truth, her words and behaviors will align consistently over time. After a significant period of consistently correlating words and actions, the couple will eventually begin to restore trust.
How does the couple begin to restore a sense of emotional security? Stop relying solely on changes in your partner’s behavior to determine the level of emotional security in the relationship. Although her partner’s sexually addictive behavior may be the cause of her pain, the wounds are at her heart and only she can heal them. Be willing to reach out to a healing community of other partners who can provide support and advice on how to better contain your pain. Most importantly, recognize that personal boundaries will be the single greatest source of empowerment. Once truth, restraint, and boundaries are firmly established, emotional safety will be restored and the recovering addict and partner can begin the task of rebuilding the relationship.
